- Open a breakfast joint. This will NEVER happen, but at any given time, I crave breakfast food as much as John Goodman does each morning.
- Make a movie. Specifically, a spoof movie that is actually good so that I can run Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer out of business. Although I am flexible.
- Write science fiction. I read my first Michael Crichton novel when I was in fourth grade and I read so much god damn sci-fi until high school. My tremendous childhood imagination completely died along with my good reading habits, unfortunately, so this one will be difficult to accomplish. Also, I'm not incredibly good at writing due to the fact that writing is so subjective and criticism is never concrete when it comes to these things.
- Write anything. Writing is stress relief. I'm interested in writing screenplays, maybe, since previous writing experience (if attempting NaNoWriMo counts) has taught me that I'm good at dialogue.
- Learn to appreciate running. Running is good for you. People learn to appreciate running if they do it enough. But unfortunately, in real life, running is fucking terrible and feels fucking terrible.
- Start playing video games again. Another nerdy habit of mine that died in high school. Non-gamers, of course, could never understand why I don't think video games are worthless or a waste of time and money, but I'll try to explain it in as few words as possible: video games are something of an art. The design process that goes into the environments should definitely make them qualify for that status. But the easiest way of explaining it is that they provide the audio-visual experience of a movie with a complete score, with the pick-up-and-go quality of a book (as well as length) and an added interactive quality that only a game can provide. The only real argument against it, in my mind, are that almost all games have plots as complex or interesting as your average episode of Family Guy. Either way, they are a damn fun way to pass time.
- Compose an epic-length piece for a full symphony orchestra just so that I can conduct it flawlessly and hear it played flawlessly just so that I can soak in 15-30 seconds of uninhibited, deafening applause at the end.
- Produce an album of non-classical music. More than likely rock music. I love rock music, but I don't play any rock instruments (never really learned to play a kit, and never became very interested in that instrument specifically). Betcha can't guess what comes next...
- Learn to play the guitar. Similar aspirations have been held by many a 10-45 year old male, but I think that a guitar is a damn cool instrument. I'd prefer to learn to play the Chapman Stick first (just because that may be the coolest type of guitar ever invented ever), but really anything would satisfy me.
- Travel. You know that saying, "It's not the destination that counts, it's the journey," or something along those lines? I am the living embodiment of this quote. I love to travel, but only for the sake of traveling. One of the most unforgettable parts of my Philmont adventure in 2008 was, honestly, the train ride there and back. Train is the absolute best method of transportation in existence. Where to travel, though?
- Visit: Egypt, the Canadian Yukon, California, New Delhi, anywhere in Western Europe, Moscow, Japan, Rio de Janeiro (or anywhere in Brazil), Beijing, Istanbul, Machu Picchu, The Himalayas, New Zealand, and Hawaii.
- Live in either Britain or Scandinavia. I have roots in Scotland and have a very British name, so I ought to at least be in touch with them, right? Plus, generally British people have sexy accents (and yes, I spent a lot of time looking up a bunch of the regional accents in England and Scotland because I'm weird) and apparently they feel the same way about American accents. Which I have. Also, despite my aversion to foreign languages (due to my inability to learn to speak them), I would gladly choose to live anywhere in Scandinavia (preferably Norway) due to the fact that this is the most beautiful tumor-shaped region of the planet. Ever. Seriously, Norway is ridiculously gorgeous.
- Restart high school. Before you say WTF MAN, let me explain myself. I mean this only because I am aware of a lot of things I should have done differently. Also, it would give me the opportunity to actually look closer to my age at any given point. I think college will teach me that all that stuff that happened is completely inconsequential, but I am still upset - weeks later - at how high school ended.
- Gain the ability to throw my consciousness back and forth through time so that I could prevent myself from ever making stupid decisions that turn out badly (see: post on Time Travel).
- Get really good at dancing and acquire the ability to seduce every women on any given dance floor with my mad skillz.
- Regain some degree of the semi-developed artistic ability that I had in 6th grade. (This only includes painting/sketching because there is a highly misshapen clay turtle on my mom's dresser that would argue against the idea of me being able to make art.) Then, on a train ride or something boring and still, I want to draw someone onto a page completely unnoticed and then give it to them as they leave.
- I've always wanted to blow up something while walking away from it, like in the movies. I would look so badass.
- Buy a sailboat and spend the rest of my life sailing on that sailboat. I met a guy who lived on his boat in the summer and it seriously got me thinking about the idea. There are opportunities to make money and all. In a movie there was a segment about three ski bums who bought a sailboat and lived out of it for three years just sailing around and skiing mountains on Northern Europe's Arctic Sea coastline. It was eye-opening.
- Be good at sports. I've never been good at any (and not from lack of practice or even athleticism, really) and that made me feel pretty useless up until other extracurricular opportunities cropped up in high school. It sucks that before high school, the only things that kids can really do outside of school is sports.
- LEARN HOW TO COOK. Boy interested in chemistry can't make food for the life of him. It's pathetic, and I'm going to need a very stereotypical 1960's housewife if I'm going to live happily, otherwise.
- Get addicted to a new TV show of a similar "epic" factor to Lost, although I don't know if that exists. That reminds me, I was supposed to make a Lost post regarding my interpretation/opinion of the finale, but now it's far too late... not cool. Anyway, suggestions? Fringe? Mad Men? Breaking Bad? I'm already obliged to pick up shows that are already done with. Which basically just means I need to watch The Wire. Or maybe I'll just start watching a new show.
June 23, 2010
The Complete Collection of Things I Kinda Want to Do
June 20, 2010
I bet you can't guess the subject!
Relationships.
Specifically, how they involve more than two people.
It doesn't take much thought for you to understand why I've been scrutinizing this topic obsessively for the past month or two - see: Finishing High School Pt. 2. I've spent a lot of time trying to analyze exactly where I fucked up with the innumerable doomed relationships that have come and passed in the last four years. Perhaps it's out of a need to solidify a surefire method of meeting the right people in college? Maybe an unconscious urge to tie up any loose ends with the people I'll be leaving in a few months? Who knows? Anyway, in light of a recent series of events, I've decided to lay out what I know (strictly for my own purposes [so be prepared for a boring post]) about relationships and use that as a building block from which I can try to formulate some hypotheses regarding, you know, why I suck at stable relationships.
Basically, there are three types of loving relationships that really matter in the world: familial, romantic, and "friendly" (for lack of thesaurus access). I've got the familial relationships nailed. My family is pretty awesome, and I have no major strife with anybody in my family. Regarding romantic relationships, I've been pretty unsuccessful, but that's mostly because I rarely take interest in anybody besides one or two crushes at a time, who coincidentally tend to dislike me. Also, evidence has shown that I am pretty terrible at being involved with them (although I think that now that I'm older and hopefully wiser any future romantic endeavors will be less me-shitting-all-over-myself and more I-hath-slain-the-mighty-beast or some other fucking awesome one-liner). Friendships are my least successful area to date, since I currently have very little to show regarding close friendships.
This is all common knowledge. The reason why I feel that it is important to bring this up is because the difficulty with all of these relationships lies in the fact that they aren't even true relationships, when examined from a distance. Familial relationships are the obvious example for this: brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandparents, sons, daughters, aunts and uncles are all involved with each other, and in this way, a relationship between, for example, two brothers, cannot be fully examined without acknowledging parental influences, among others. And contained within a family tree are a significant number of romantic relationships, as well as friendships.
However, since I am not in the stage of life where starting a family of my own is my priority, I have to deal the much deeper and more intricate complexities of high school/college-type social paradigms. Social networking is responsible for a sort of new plane of relationship complication - the fact that nothing is private, for one, and also the fact that most people are connected to people with whom none of these basic relationships are shared. Some of my Facebook friends are people who I may have had a class with in my sophomore year to whom I never spoke. Others are people I have never even met, but have only heard of. People such as these gain have access to all the details regarding the statuses of one's own relationship. Gossip Girl isn't far off. For an example, look no further than Choch from my earlier post: Why I am Michael Cera in every movie ever. I don't even know the kid, but he dashed any potential for the formation of what I will vouch for as the single most important romantic relationship of my life thus far. Whether or not this was facilitated by the use of Facebook is questionable, since again, I don't know the kid, but it seems like that's the only way in which word of my actions would have circulated around the entire class that quickly. Another phenomenon resulting from the internet's open floodgate of communication is what I will call "perceived anonymity." Under the guise of anonymity, in any circumstance, people will become completely uninhibited in their actions and statements because there is little fear of consequence. It's a sort of justifiable deindividuation, (thank you, AP Psych!), because a person can completely alter his/her behavior based on the fact that no one will ever uncover the person's identity. This is so commonplace on the internet that, believe it or not, the phenomenon will carry over into other non-anonymous communication platforms. As in Facebook.
The event that is drawing my interest (and is really the trigger that set me off on the ramble you're almost done with) is a break-up between a good friend who I respect and a not-so-good friend who I also respect and still find sympathetic despite not being friends with her. Brief background: Couple was good. Similar in personality and mannerisms. I have no idea what caused the break-up, but the point is that I have essentially the same impressions of both individuals: both are good people at heart for the same exact reasons. But does that prevent personal attacks from flying? No fucking way. And the reason why this story is important is because, as far as I know, the only post-breakup insults that are flying are not even between the people in question. They involve outsiders, who have decided to choose sides in an otherwise (seemingly) uncomplicated, not excessively dramatic (as in remorse but not regret on the part of the dumper, sadness but not absurd sadness on the part of the dumpee) breakup. Presumably because of the safety they feel because of the internet's magical identity-protecting powers. Should people really be allowed to choose sides in such a matter? No. The one time I ever was emotionally attached to someone else's breakup resulted in the agonizing, unwanted dissolution of a great friendship. So this is a stance I'm comfortable taking.
Perhaps it's a result of my current hatred of the complications of who-knows-who and who-is-attached-to-who, but I will never understand why people will ever feel the need to get involved in affairs such as these when it doesn't concern them. The only reason that makes any damn sense is that they, unlike me, feel obligated to rush to the defense of the person of preference, whether or not the following backlash against the other is justified. This makes me wonder if I am wrong about the whole taking-sides business. Did I just get the shit-covered end of the stick right from the get-go? There is no question that relationships, especially when facilitated by new technology, are not a matter that concerns only the individuals involved with a specific, single relationship. I just need to find out for myself whether or not that is a good thing.
Specifically, how they involve more than two people.
It doesn't take much thought for you to understand why I've been scrutinizing this topic obsessively for the past month or two - see: Finishing High School Pt. 2. I've spent a lot of time trying to analyze exactly where I fucked up with the innumerable doomed relationships that have come and passed in the last four years. Perhaps it's out of a need to solidify a surefire method of meeting the right people in college? Maybe an unconscious urge to tie up any loose ends with the people I'll be leaving in a few months? Who knows? Anyway, in light of a recent series of events, I've decided to lay out what I know (strictly for my own purposes [so be prepared for a boring post]) about relationships and use that as a building block from which I can try to formulate some hypotheses regarding, you know, why I suck at stable relationships.
Basically, there are three types of loving relationships that really matter in the world: familial, romantic, and "friendly" (for lack of thesaurus access). I've got the familial relationships nailed. My family is pretty awesome, and I have no major strife with anybody in my family. Regarding romantic relationships, I've been pretty unsuccessful, but that's mostly because I rarely take interest in anybody besides one or two crushes at a time, who coincidentally tend to dislike me. Also, evidence has shown that I am pretty terrible at being involved with them (although I think that now that I'm older and hopefully wiser any future romantic endeavors will be less me-shitting-all-over-myself and more I-hath-slain-the-mighty-beast or some other fucking awesome one-liner). Friendships are my least successful area to date, since I currently have very little to show regarding close friendships.
This is all common knowledge. The reason why I feel that it is important to bring this up is because the difficulty with all of these relationships lies in the fact that they aren't even true relationships, when examined from a distance. Familial relationships are the obvious example for this: brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandparents, sons, daughters, aunts and uncles are all involved with each other, and in this way, a relationship between, for example, two brothers, cannot be fully examined without acknowledging parental influences, among others. And contained within a family tree are a significant number of romantic relationships, as well as friendships.
However, since I am not in the stage of life where starting a family of my own is my priority, I have to deal the much deeper and more intricate complexities of high school/college-type social paradigms. Social networking is responsible for a sort of new plane of relationship complication - the fact that nothing is private, for one, and also the fact that most people are connected to people with whom none of these basic relationships are shared. Some of my Facebook friends are people who I may have had a class with in my sophomore year to whom I never spoke. Others are people I have never even met, but have only heard of. People such as these gain have access to all the details regarding the statuses of one's own relationship. Gossip Girl isn't far off. For an example, look no further than Choch from my earlier post: Why I am Michael Cera in every movie ever. I don't even know the kid, but he dashed any potential for the formation of what I will vouch for as the single most important romantic relationship of my life thus far. Whether or not this was facilitated by the use of Facebook is questionable, since again, I don't know the kid, but it seems like that's the only way in which word of my actions would have circulated around the entire class that quickly. Another phenomenon resulting from the internet's open floodgate of communication is what I will call "perceived anonymity." Under the guise of anonymity, in any circumstance, people will become completely uninhibited in their actions and statements because there is little fear of consequence. It's a sort of justifiable deindividuation, (thank you, AP Psych!), because a person can completely alter his/her behavior based on the fact that no one will ever uncover the person's identity. This is so commonplace on the internet that, believe it or not, the phenomenon will carry over into other non-anonymous communication platforms. As in Facebook.
The event that is drawing my interest (and is really the trigger that set me off on the ramble you're almost done with) is a break-up between a good friend who I respect and a not-so-good friend who I also respect and still find sympathetic despite not being friends with her. Brief background: Couple was good. Similar in personality and mannerisms. I have no idea what caused the break-up, but the point is that I have essentially the same impressions of both individuals: both are good people at heart for the same exact reasons. But does that prevent personal attacks from flying? No fucking way. And the reason why this story is important is because, as far as I know, the only post-breakup insults that are flying are not even between the people in question. They involve outsiders, who have decided to choose sides in an otherwise (seemingly) uncomplicated, not excessively dramatic (as in remorse but not regret on the part of the dumper, sadness but not absurd sadness on the part of the dumpee) breakup. Presumably because of the safety they feel because of the internet's magical identity-protecting powers. Should people really be allowed to choose sides in such a matter? No. The one time I ever was emotionally attached to someone else's breakup resulted in the agonizing, unwanted dissolution of a great friendship. So this is a stance I'm comfortable taking.
Perhaps it's a result of my current hatred of the complications of who-knows-who and who-is-attached-to-who, but I will never understand why people will ever feel the need to get involved in affairs such as these when it doesn't concern them. The only reason that makes any damn sense is that they, unlike me, feel obligated to rush to the defense of the person of preference, whether or not the following backlash against the other is justified. This makes me wonder if I am wrong about the whole taking-sides business. Did I just get the shit-covered end of the stick right from the get-go? There is no question that relationships, especially when facilitated by new technology, are not a matter that concerns only the individuals involved with a specific, single relationship. I just need to find out for myself whether or not that is a good thing.
June 11, 2010
Things I've done this summer
To be updated with (hopefully) every new development.
- Watched Gossip Girl
- Watched LOST (again) with Jeremy
- Attended Kalamazoo Central's Graduation Ceremony with President Obama
- Was jealous that I didn't graduate from KC
- Swam
- Played DDR
- Played Minesweeper for three hours straight
- Lifted Weights
- Played tennis with my ol' Pa
- Attended many graduation parties
- Run into people who I never want to see again
June 2, 2010
Finishing High School, Pt. 2 (Warning: Bitchfest ahead)
I knew it would fucking happen.
I knew I would come to some shitty revelation about how I've lived my life over the past four years, even though I thought I had it nailed. Maybe this just tells me, ultimately, that I am normal. Because I'm a teenager, and teenagers think they know everything when in reality they don't know jack shit.
So where do I begin? I've pretty successfully determined for myself that high school itself is mostly a daycare center for teenagers, except with guns. I've sort of found my little niche in the vast expanse of maturing consciences (which is music, if you couldn't figure it out). But I never understood the social construct. Never. And to be honest, I shouldn't have expected to. I've been an awkward little kid ever since fourth grade, when I discovered what it was like to not have any friends. (This was when I moved to Portage, for the record. It's a lot harder to adapt to that sort of shit as a nine-year-old than as a teenager.) There were points when I appeared to have overcome complete social debilitation, but since I'm graduating with nobody to call a real "partner" (be it a girlfriend, best friend, or even an incredibly close friend), I'm settling on the side of "I never really figured out how to make friends and keep them." And I was fine with that. I figured that the blame for that rested entirely on my circumstances - the people I was with. I wasn't meant to be paired with any one of them, but with someone else. You wonder where I became so attached to the idea of soulmates? It would be high school. Also, Disney.
Anyway, I am horrifyingly wrong. Right now, everyone I know is paired off with someone. Not even necessarily with a romantic partner, but with an extremely close best friend. Either way, it's the sort of relationship that I've always wanted. The few that aren't, like myself, are completely lost. There's not really anything that encapsulates the pain of not knowing where you belong in the world, and when you don't have anyone to share your life with, there is no sense of belonging. I am the expert on loneliness, believe me. This much is true.
But the reason why it is wrong for me to believe that there is someone out there for me - literally waiting for me to walk into their life as I wait for them to walk into mine - is because everyone else I know has found someone. I am not really special, so why should I be an exception? Everyone else seems to have found someone even though none of them are perfect for each other (although to the cool loser like myself they certainly would appear to be perfect for each other). The reason why this hasn't happened to me, as far as I can tell, is because, as a person, I spread myself much too thin. Looking back, I realize that there are way too many people who think of me as a sort of gross caricature of a person. A weird person, mind you, but not really anything with that many complexities. Generally exuberant in person, but not necessarily happy. Easily stressed. Alternately makes witty jokes, idiotic comments and serious conversation. The reason why this is as it is is because I hate drama. The general social group from which I can choose friends are extremely dramatic. But I can't hate them, because they're the only people I've got. And I don't hate them. Individually, everybody I consider my friend is magnificent. But they also hate each other. Petty disputes tear apart friendships left and right, including some of my own.
It raises the question as to why their lives are better than mine. (If you just said, "No, Nigel. Shut the fuck up, your life is better," please understand that my interpretation as to the quality of life is synonymous with one's happiness. If you didn't notice, I'm not happy. The last time I was truly happy was the month after I got back from tour. So shut up and finish reading.) It's because I'm flawed. Very flawed. That's not say that my revelation is that I'm flawed, because anyone who didn't think so in the first place is an asshole. What I mean is that, while people, including myself, are generally satisfied with the person I am as can be described by my personality and résumé, I've been approaching the way in which I find friends the wrong way. For eighteen long, long years. The problem is with my way of thinking.
So I changed it. I know now that you really do get to choose the people in your life. I know that it's better to not be afraid of people not liking you, because you don't really need people to like you if they aren't willing to be with you when you need them. I was really weak, and I was too scared of fucking up potential friendships to bother to try to get anyone to really understand me, or even to try to understand anyone individually. It's clear to me that doing so would have allowed me to find someone who would make me happy. And for that, I'm incredibly sorry. I'm sorry to whoever could have been a kick-ass pal of mine for the last four years. I'm sorry to any girl who would have loved me, and who I would have loved back. I'm sorry I've regretted so damn much, if you want some irony with that shake.
I really fucked this up. Sorry about the whinefest.
I knew I would come to some shitty revelation about how I've lived my life over the past four years, even though I thought I had it nailed. Maybe this just tells me, ultimately, that I am normal. Because I'm a teenager, and teenagers think they know everything when in reality they don't know jack shit.
So where do I begin? I've pretty successfully determined for myself that high school itself is mostly a daycare center for teenagers, except with guns. I've sort of found my little niche in the vast expanse of maturing consciences (which is music, if you couldn't figure it out). But I never understood the social construct. Never. And to be honest, I shouldn't have expected to. I've been an awkward little kid ever since fourth grade, when I discovered what it was like to not have any friends. (This was when I moved to Portage, for the record. It's a lot harder to adapt to that sort of shit as a nine-year-old than as a teenager.) There were points when I appeared to have overcome complete social debilitation, but since I'm graduating with nobody to call a real "partner" (be it a girlfriend, best friend, or even an incredibly close friend), I'm settling on the side of "I never really figured out how to make friends and keep them." And I was fine with that. I figured that the blame for that rested entirely on my circumstances - the people I was with. I wasn't meant to be paired with any one of them, but with someone else. You wonder where I became so attached to the idea of soulmates? It would be high school. Also, Disney.
Anyway, I am horrifyingly wrong. Right now, everyone I know is paired off with someone. Not even necessarily with a romantic partner, but with an extremely close best friend. Either way, it's the sort of relationship that I've always wanted. The few that aren't, like myself, are completely lost. There's not really anything that encapsulates the pain of not knowing where you belong in the world, and when you don't have anyone to share your life with, there is no sense of belonging. I am the expert on loneliness, believe me. This much is true.
But the reason why it is wrong for me to believe that there is someone out there for me - literally waiting for me to walk into their life as I wait for them to walk into mine - is because everyone else I know has found someone. I am not really special, so why should I be an exception? Everyone else seems to have found someone even though none of them are perfect for each other (although to the cool loser like myself they certainly would appear to be perfect for each other). The reason why this hasn't happened to me, as far as I can tell, is because, as a person, I spread myself much too thin. Looking back, I realize that there are way too many people who think of me as a sort of gross caricature of a person. A weird person, mind you, but not really anything with that many complexities. Generally exuberant in person, but not necessarily happy. Easily stressed. Alternately makes witty jokes, idiotic comments and serious conversation. The reason why this is as it is is because I hate drama. The general social group from which I can choose friends are extremely dramatic. But I can't hate them, because they're the only people I've got. And I don't hate them. Individually, everybody I consider my friend is magnificent. But they also hate each other. Petty disputes tear apart friendships left and right, including some of my own.
It raises the question as to why their lives are better than mine. (If you just said, "No, Nigel. Shut the fuck up, your life is better," please understand that my interpretation as to the quality of life is synonymous with one's happiness. If you didn't notice, I'm not happy. The last time I was truly happy was the month after I got back from tour. So shut up and finish reading.) It's because I'm flawed. Very flawed. That's not say that my revelation is that I'm flawed, because anyone who didn't think so in the first place is an asshole. What I mean is that, while people, including myself, are generally satisfied with the person I am as can be described by my personality and résumé, I've been approaching the way in which I find friends the wrong way. For eighteen long, long years. The problem is with my way of thinking.
So I changed it. I know now that you really do get to choose the people in your life. I know that it's better to not be afraid of people not liking you, because you don't really need people to like you if they aren't willing to be with you when you need them. I was really weak, and I was too scared of fucking up potential friendships to bother to try to get anyone to really understand me, or even to try to understand anyone individually. It's clear to me that doing so would have allowed me to find someone who would make me happy. And for that, I'm incredibly sorry. I'm sorry to whoever could have been a kick-ass pal of mine for the last four years. I'm sorry to any girl who would have loved me, and who I would have loved back. I'm sorry I've regretted so damn much, if you want some irony with that shake.
I really fucked this up. Sorry about the whinefest.
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