A post that, like its subject matter, will be finished later.

Basically, as of right now, I'm almost finished with my final college application, which took way too long to gather the stamina to finish. My theory as to why it took so long for me to find the motivation to get on top of things was that I knew I wasn't going to be accepted at the school to which I am now applying. I still don't think I am. But I don't think I'm going to let my laziness get in the way of opportunity.

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Done. Anyway, my inability to post frequently (shit, it is happening!) is a result of a combination of outside influences sucking up my time and the fact that things tend to get really shitty in the wintertime. School always seems to get infinitely harder after the initial 1st quarter being dedicated to "easing you in" to shittiness, even though I'd rather have things start hard so that I have some grasp on how much I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis for the remainder of that class. However, it has recently come to my attention that this may come about from some degree of seasonal depression. I was always under the impression that things got really bad in winter - and that I was prone to certain "low periods" that I thought were signs of depression, except I would always come out fine in the end. Anyway, the idea makes sense. In 2005, I was prone to crippling panic attacks and insomnia. 2006 was similar. In 2007, I sort of experienced the same with added self-esteem problems and a quickly deteriorating social life. 2008 was the worse, where I was extremely depressed for months on end, and managed to lose a good number of friends in the process. 2009 was the year when I managed to somewhat keep my emotions in check, but I still had to let my physical state deteriorate - I would go days on end without sleeping just so that I could do work and I didn't go out for essentially four months.

Now, I find myself in a predicament where my mind has managed to lose its confidence in my life's course - immediately after the summer in which I told myself I had things more "figured out" than ever before. This is scary to me, because it actually seems realistic. It doesn't make sense that things should just naturally become more difficult in winter, and the fact that I have been struggling so much because I'm biologically predisposed to do so makes me feel completely helpless.