Might as well get the inane tripe out of the way - everything sort of does actually suck. It's the end of the semester and not only am I under a large amount of stress (arguably since the first time since midway through my junior year of high school), I am not catching a break. Not catching a break being a gross understatement.
The most far removed from the shitstorm was the organic chemistry exam I am positive I didn't do well on at all. That was four minutes ago, really, so maybe it isn't that far removed and the adverse effects just haven't shown themselves yet. I've also been missing classes due to not being able to wake up due to very poor sleep patterns. Not insomnia level (I've been there, trust me) but enough to keep me from being alert. And on top of that I've also been having memory issues that may have arisen from this. I misplace things much more than usual and forget to charge my phone and forget when I have to be places and basically everything important.
Also here goes some nerdy bullshit: we recently did an engineering project for my programming class that involved reading in commands for creating a playlist and then writing these playlists into file. The output of my program matched the output of the sample program we're given exactly, but I got a 28/85. Why? My program refuses to write playlists into file for any filename that ends with a character that isn't a letter. Which makes no sense, because this error wasn't present when I submitted it. Which means that either someone fucked with my code, or that they fucked up their grading program (which they did, since most kids in the damn class actually got a 28 out of 85 and somehow this is our fault, this error was completely unforeseeable based on the sample music libraries and playlist names we were told to use and also not at all addressed in the project specification...). Basically, fuck this. It's like if you submitted a ten-page paper and only had the third page graded because the rest were printed on off-white paper or something completely stupid like that. "You were supposed to take into account that only every 10th page is white and we don't read off-white here - this is a university, bitch".
So anyway, this was one of two contributing factors toward me cancelling a visit to Ann Arbor to go to see an event played by the student organization discussed in "Fuck Math" (avoiding calling them by name so as not to appear on blog search for them, which is a bit neurotic). I needed the time to try to salvage my grade and actually pass this damn class which I was previously doing fine in. The other reason is that I was planning on going to the funeral of a friend of mine who committed suicide last Thursday.
Okay, here comes the genuinely depressing part.
Might as well get this out of the way - I'm not going to his funeral due to this engineering fiasco, either. It's the same day as the event. I feel like a gigantic asshole, too - I never want to come across as the person who didn't care enough to trek back home to say goodbye to his friend. I am angry that this had to happen, too. Everything. This is actually the first time that I've ever lost anybody that I was close to. And even worse is the fact that it was a suicide. It's worse because even though we all know better, I can't help but think that I could have prevented this. Don't criticize me for thinking that - it is, I feel, a natural response when something like this happens - even though realistically I could not, since we don't even live in the same city anymore. Guilt that you didn't make someone's life nice enough for them to want to keep living, I mean. I don't want to get into the details my relationship with him here, but it needs to be said that he was one of my favorite people. I knew him through pit and tennis and high school and he was always putting smiles on everybody's faces. He is missed deeply. I miss him deeply.
The one spot of hope in this entire event is that I know for sure that the one real friend I've even made on campus was a great choice. My neighbor Danny Boy (actually a girl, but I use nicknames here) heard me crying - understandable considering that I pretty much lost it after hearing the news - and came over a little while later to see what was up. (Thank you for not doing this while I was sobbing hysterically, by the way, that would have been incredibly awkward.) I told her about what happened and she spent the next hour comforting me like a surrogate mother or something, even though it's questionable whether I needed it at that point anymore. (Well I did, it's just that I was done bawling and had moved onto a shock-like "what the hell do I do now" state.) It was, by a mile, the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me on campus. I was given an incredible display of compassion that I won't ever forget and I'm so grateful for it. I just really hope that such a display ever needs to be given again. Because that would suck even more.
Unfortunately, that's not all. A major part of what's seriously sucking can't even be discussed on this blog because it involves a confessed reader. Which sucks. I guess maybe there'll come a day for this subject to be discussed at length, but that time is not now.
December 8, 2010
November 30, 2010
The more important part of those two months
Surprisingly not nearly as much comes to mind as remarkable or memorable. But I'll tell you about classes.
My chem lab is ending in a super-long lab that is not going incredibly well, which sucks because, as of this writing, there is only one lab session remaining which supposedly ought to be dedicated to reorganizing our equipment to make sure that we haven't lost anything. It's going to be a clusterfuck on Friday. My chem lecture has also devolved into the "routine" of organic chemistry, which no longer deals with understanding thoroughly the structure behind organic molecules and their reactions, but with memorizing what sort of materials do what when you mix them together. I am not excited about this. Engineering is still programming, but thankfully we've moved beyond C++. This was still quite easy for me, but still tedious. I can't even remember if I mentioned this but I took a class where we learned the basics of C++ my sophomore year. I hated it and thought I wouldn't remember any of it but that little bit set me leaps and bounds ahead of everybody else in my class. Now we're in MATLAB (which is supposedly a common programming language for engineers, but I wouldn't know) and it's still remarkably easy. I really hope I wind up with an A because any less is indicative of my laziness rather than any sort of difficulty in understanding the class. Calculus... well, let's just say I'm glad I didn't take Calc I again, because I am pretty well caught up to what we're doing now, but it's damn difficult. My A on the first exam was pretty definitively a fluke, as I did worse on the second exam despite the average being a bit higher. It was still a B+ but the decrease in confidence in the material we were learning was much more remarkable. Needless to say it is my most difficult class. But I'll still end up with an A or a high B assuming I stay consistent with my final exam.
The whole DJ business with "Fuck Math" has not progressed at all since I posted it. I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen due to stricter noise enforcements due to complaints. (thank you, jackass-in-my-hall-who-loves-blink-182-too-much-to-stay-even-remotely-quiet-about-it) That and they still haven't moved the furniture out of the room. Oh well. At least the whole path to becoming a DJ is a lot clearer and interesting. On my wish list for Christmas is a mixer with two iPod components that you can essentially operate like a turntable, all for around $100. It's pretty amateur, but that's exactly what I am, is it not? Joining MEDMA is the best thing I've done on campus, as I've discovered so much great music and enjoy listening to it. Not so much finding it though. The talent required to make good EDM is a lot less obvious to many than it is for rock music or other genres, so as a result, there's a lot more shit to weed through. Luckily MEDMA has an active forum supported mainly by its core members where new music is posted with healthy frequency, and most of it is actually good.
The best night on campus involved a visit from a man named Coon (which also rather hilariously involved an incident with a raccoon only a few feet away from biting range crawling out of a garbage can at the bus stop). It was the day of the Michigan vs. Michigan State game. Before entering we went "pre-gaming" which didn't actually involve any drinking, but rather beating the shit out of a green sedan with a sledgehammer to raise money for breast cancer awareness. (breast cancer = foreshadowing) We left after the third quarter when it was apparent that we were going to get our asses handed to us. Later that night, after a game of foursquare in Northwood apartments, we returned to central campus to get in line for a midnight screening of "the Citizen Kane of bad movies," The Room. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Disregard the fact that we were practically the first people in line and thus waited an unnecessary amount of time to get in. Disregard the fact that our football team lost miserably. This, ladies and gentlemen, made up for it by the truckload. This is easily the most fun I've ever had at a movie screening in my life. More fun than the now-infamous G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It will change your life. And bring spoons. Lots of em. After this awesomeness we returned to the central bus stop where we ran into some of the funniest drunk people ever.
Tall guy: "Hey I totally know you from somewhere!"
Short guy: "Really?"
Tall guy: "Maybe."
Same tall guy: "Have you ever taken a piss outside of the C.C. Little building?"
Me: "No."
Same tall guy: (awestruck) "Oh, it's beautiful..."
Me: "Dude, I only ever see you at the bus stop at 2 a.m."
Different short guy: "I think I'm about as drunk and high as I was last time, too."
Michigan State student: (screaming, tears streaming down his face) "Yeah, that's right! I can't read and I can't write! I only go to a fucking... university! I'm just an idiot! FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU."
Then there was a fight that broke out right in front of the last bus back to North, so we ended up half-assedly attempting to break it up and calling the cops instead of getting on. I felt mildly heroic. But then we walked the 20-30 minute trek back North instead, only making it back at 3:30 (keep in mind it took about an hour to even get close to getting on a bus). It was a great day.
I saw a series of shows through knowing a ton of theater kids, since I hang out most often with my neighbor and my most-frequently-seen comrade from high school, both of whom are actors. One of them was called The Diver, which was a show about a woman with multiple personalities (or something) that was generally more concerned with packing as much Japanese folklore and symbolism into itself in one hour than it was with being coherent. But of course it was good. I also attended an event known as 24 hour theater in which several one-act plays are written, rehearsed and performed in one day-long marathon. It was beautiful. Mostly because every one of them was hilarious, but for completely different reasons.
Other than that, nothing to report other than probable mental illness and general neurosis. The longest paragraph I've ever written is stored as a draft describing pretty much everything I can possibly hate about myself. I don't think I should delete it but I don't think I'm going to post it either. Instead I'll tease you with its existence. Haha. Sucks to be you. But then again it also apparently sucks to be me. Anyway, after fall break things just sorta went downhill with regards to my mental health. I can't be left alone like this. The short of it all is that I have a semi-immature dependency on other people. And I don't want to say it because it sounds horrible, but I pretty much depend on other people to determine my self-worth. This is a huge problem, and I recognize it. I'm doing everything that I can to fix it, but I'm not sure I want to. I am just not a person who stays away from connecting to people, and a true connection almost always involves some sort of give-and-take relationship. Otherwise, why bother talking to someone?
My chem lab is ending in a super-long lab that is not going incredibly well, which sucks because, as of this writing, there is only one lab session remaining which supposedly ought to be dedicated to reorganizing our equipment to make sure that we haven't lost anything. It's going to be a clusterfuck on Friday. My chem lecture has also devolved into the "routine" of organic chemistry, which no longer deals with understanding thoroughly the structure behind organic molecules and their reactions, but with memorizing what sort of materials do what when you mix them together. I am not excited about this. Engineering is still programming, but thankfully we've moved beyond C++. This was still quite easy for me, but still tedious. I can't even remember if I mentioned this but I took a class where we learned the basics of C++ my sophomore year. I hated it and thought I wouldn't remember any of it but that little bit set me leaps and bounds ahead of everybody else in my class. Now we're in MATLAB (which is supposedly a common programming language for engineers, but I wouldn't know) and it's still remarkably easy. I really hope I wind up with an A because any less is indicative of my laziness rather than any sort of difficulty in understanding the class. Calculus... well, let's just say I'm glad I didn't take Calc I again, because I am pretty well caught up to what we're doing now, but it's damn difficult. My A on the first exam was pretty definitively a fluke, as I did worse on the second exam despite the average being a bit higher. It was still a B+ but the decrease in confidence in the material we were learning was much more remarkable. Needless to say it is my most difficult class. But I'll still end up with an A or a high B assuming I stay consistent with my final exam.
The whole DJ business with "Fuck Math" has not progressed at all since I posted it. I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen due to stricter noise enforcements due to complaints. (thank you, jackass-in-my-hall-who-loves-blink-182-too-much-to-stay-even-remotely-quiet-about-it) That and they still haven't moved the furniture out of the room. Oh well. At least the whole path to becoming a DJ is a lot clearer and interesting. On my wish list for Christmas is a mixer with two iPod components that you can essentially operate like a turntable, all for around $100. It's pretty amateur, but that's exactly what I am, is it not? Joining MEDMA is the best thing I've done on campus, as I've discovered so much great music and enjoy listening to it. Not so much finding it though. The talent required to make good EDM is a lot less obvious to many than it is for rock music or other genres, so as a result, there's a lot more shit to weed through. Luckily MEDMA has an active forum supported mainly by its core members where new music is posted with healthy frequency, and most of it is actually good.
The best night on campus involved a visit from a man named Coon (which also rather hilariously involved an incident with a raccoon only a few feet away from biting range crawling out of a garbage can at the bus stop). It was the day of the Michigan vs. Michigan State game. Before entering we went "pre-gaming" which didn't actually involve any drinking, but rather beating the shit out of a green sedan with a sledgehammer to raise money for breast cancer awareness. (breast cancer = foreshadowing) We left after the third quarter when it was apparent that we were going to get our asses handed to us. Later that night, after a game of foursquare in Northwood apartments, we returned to central campus to get in line for a midnight screening of "the Citizen Kane of bad movies," The Room. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Disregard the fact that we were practically the first people in line and thus waited an unnecessary amount of time to get in. Disregard the fact that our football team lost miserably. This, ladies and gentlemen, made up for it by the truckload. This is easily the most fun I've ever had at a movie screening in my life. More fun than the now-infamous G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It will change your life. And bring spoons. Lots of em. After this awesomeness we returned to the central bus stop where we ran into some of the funniest drunk people ever.
Tall guy: "Hey I totally know you from somewhere!"
Short guy: "Really?"
Tall guy: "Maybe."
Same tall guy: "Have you ever taken a piss outside of the C.C. Little building?"
Me: "No."
Same tall guy: (awestruck) "Oh, it's beautiful..."
Me: "Dude, I only ever see you at the bus stop at 2 a.m."
Different short guy: "I think I'm about as drunk and high as I was last time, too."
Michigan State student: (screaming, tears streaming down his face) "Yeah, that's right! I can't read and I can't write! I only go to a fucking... university! I'm just an idiot! FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU."
Then there was a fight that broke out right in front of the last bus back to North, so we ended up half-assedly attempting to break it up and calling the cops instead of getting on. I felt mildly heroic. But then we walked the 20-30 minute trek back North instead, only making it back at 3:30 (keep in mind it took about an hour to even get close to getting on a bus). It was a great day.
I saw a series of shows through knowing a ton of theater kids, since I hang out most often with my neighbor and my most-frequently-seen comrade from high school, both of whom are actors. One of them was called The Diver, which was a show about a woman with multiple personalities (or something) that was generally more concerned with packing as much Japanese folklore and symbolism into itself in one hour than it was with being coherent. But of course it was good. I also attended an event known as 24 hour theater in which several one-act plays are written, rehearsed and performed in one day-long marathon. It was beautiful. Mostly because every one of them was hilarious, but for completely different reasons.
Other than that, nothing to report other than probable mental illness and general neurosis. The longest paragraph I've ever written is stored as a draft describing pretty much everything I can possibly hate about myself. I don't think I should delete it but I don't think I'm going to post it either. Instead I'll tease you with its existence. Haha. Sucks to be you. But then again it also apparently sucks to be me. Anyway, after fall break things just sorta went downhill with regards to my mental health. I can't be left alone like this. The short of it all is that I have a semi-immature dependency on other people. And I don't want to say it because it sounds horrible, but I pretty much depend on other people to determine my self-worth. This is a huge problem, and I recognize it. I'm doing everything that I can to fix it, but I'm not sure I want to. I am just not a person who stays away from connecting to people, and a true connection almost always involves some sort of give-and-take relationship. Otherwise, why bother talking to someone?
November 29, 2010
Two months
Hey, I'm back. Kinda, anyway. I didn't really leave. In fact I wrote a lot of disturbing stuff that I never ended up posting whenever I felt like shit, which happened a lot more often than usual in the past two months or so. Maybe I'll post it later (but it is awful disturbing). For the sake of not having an entire month without posting on my track record, here's a quick overview of what has gone down when I've been at home (overall about nine days since moving to Ann Arbor), more or less in order.
- Watched the majority of Season 4 of Lost in one sitting with my friend JK overnight.
- Went to see my sister/my high school marching band play their final competition for the 2010 season and WIN. I was so proud, and jealous that it wasn't me. However I'll still maintain that my performance at the same competition in 2009, despite only placing third, was the best I've ever played (and, perhaps not-so-coincidentally, the last show I played on a field). Caught up with old friends.
- Got yelled at for stealing season 2 of Gossip Girl, subsequently stole season 1 of Glee. (arguably more heterosexual)
- Visited K College, met up with sweet people, played duets on a piano in my friend's hall, made an epic photobooth album with a girl and then (much) later asked her out awkwardly. Yeah... still single. But it was still a good night.
- Returned later for one day so that I could attend my own Eagle ceremony (Eagle Scout! Now I almost seem cooler, I think.) Also awkward, but there were tacos.
- Got a haircut, then a ride back to Ann Arbor from my friend who goes to Eastern Michigan in Ypsilanti. Fun stuff.
- Returned home for Thanksgiving with cool people, had a very good car ride conversation about relationships and politics and geography and college and life in general.
- Did absolutely nothing for the first few days. Bored out of my mind.
- Thanksgiving: hyperactive seven-year-old cousin crawls all over head, I pass out from overeating, watch the Lions get their asses handed to them, then sleep all the way back to Portage from Niles. Later that night go to see Deathly Hallows the second time with my family (First time occurred in AA, more on that later) It was awesome. Narrowly dodged stepping in puke on the sidewalk both when entering and exiting the theater. Almost get killed by my dad hitting a deer on the passenger's side when he was driving home. It was terrifying.
- Watched the Lost Season 5 finale with JKuo (we watched season five separately and then met up for this later). Easily the most frustrating and confusing episode of television ever made. We both shat our pants, even though I knew what was going to happen. After, we ran to McD's and got the McRib. Delicious.
- Hung out with people at Tiger's house (I'm having trouble remembering what nickname's I'm giving people.) Then went to another friend's house and hung out with a bunch of cool nerdy people and I watched some kid play this game called "LSD" which is the rarest game released on the PS2. It's pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. It was terrifying. I then went on Omegle for several hours and saw many, many dicks. It was a blast. We watched Wizards again!
- Made the traverse to a newer friend's house the next night after waking up around noon, had a severe allergic reaction to his cat and then went home and fell asleep around midnight. I was up for about 12 hours total. We built a blanket fort and watched Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (for about the 8th time in a row) and talked about our college adventures.
October 10, 2010
Fuck Math
I wanna talk about techno.
I'm going to attempt to relive my experiences so far and so few with MEDMA that have brought me to the cusp of a potentially life-altering opportunity. I joined initially upon hearing about the trips, the parties, and the free mixes that came with being a due-paid member, which I now am. And of course, the free DJ lessons. Last weekend I went to one of those things and vaguely learned how to beatmatch, which is really all the work that a DJ ever does it seems besides selecting sets (which for us usually done beforehand) and hunting down new tracks on the internet.
Literally while I was out word came of an event that is very near and dear to the hearts of the members of 6th floor Douglas in Bursley Hall: the empty quad at the end of the hall has been approved for us to use it however we like. What exactly would we like? The members who were in on the planning process for the club had such fantastic if impractical ideas such as a pool or a lounge. Since these ideas are lame they took it over to 6th Bartlett (the female counterpart to 6th Douglas) and almost unanimously received feedback such as "nightclub" "stripper poles" and "glass cases". At which point our penises got the better of us and we decided to do exactly that.
I was still in transit on the bus back to north when the guy who was spearheading the whole operation started talking to my roommate about the plans, who happened to bring up the fact that I was both in MEDMA and that I had downloaded over 24 hours of electronic dance music from their mix series website. When I walked in they asked me about MEDMA (since I am the only person in it in our hall) so I obviously let them know that I was taking free DJ lessons at down on central. He replied that he had already invested in soundproofing materials for the entire room.
Suddenly I am the official DJ of a makeshift nightclub on the west side of Bursley.
So if you happen to be reading this, here is my plea: give me music. I am not that huge into electronic dance music nor have I ever had any interest in the factioning of music into highly obscure genres, which is a must, apparently, for members of MEDMA. I need private lessons so that I can actually be competent. I need to know where I can find affordable equipment. Come on, internet, don't let me down!
I'm going to attempt to relive my experiences so far and so few with MEDMA that have brought me to the cusp of a potentially life-altering opportunity. I joined initially upon hearing about the trips, the parties, and the free mixes that came with being a due-paid member, which I now am. And of course, the free DJ lessons. Last weekend I went to one of those things and vaguely learned how to beatmatch, which is really all the work that a DJ ever does it seems besides selecting sets (which for us usually done beforehand) and hunting down new tracks on the internet.
Literally while I was out word came of an event that is very near and dear to the hearts of the members of 6th floor Douglas in Bursley Hall: the empty quad at the end of the hall has been approved for us to use it however we like. What exactly would we like? The members who were in on the planning process for the club had such fantastic if impractical ideas such as a pool or a lounge. Since these ideas are lame they took it over to 6th Bartlett (the female counterpart to 6th Douglas) and almost unanimously received feedback such as "nightclub" "stripper poles" and "glass cases". At which point our penises got the better of us and we decided to do exactly that.
I was still in transit on the bus back to north when the guy who was spearheading the whole operation started talking to my roommate about the plans, who happened to bring up the fact that I was both in MEDMA and that I had downloaded over 24 hours of electronic dance music from their mix series website. When I walked in they asked me about MEDMA (since I am the only person in it in our hall) so I obviously let them know that I was taking free DJ lessons at down on central. He replied that he had already invested in soundproofing materials for the entire room.
Suddenly I am the official DJ of a makeshift nightclub on the west side of Bursley.
So if you happen to be reading this, here is my plea: give me music. I am not that huge into electronic dance music nor have I ever had any interest in the factioning of music into highly obscure genres, which is a must, apparently, for members of MEDMA. I need private lessons so that I can actually be competent. I need to know where I can find affordable equipment. Come on, internet, don't let me down!
September 23, 2010
More and more
For the sole sake of putting a downer on what should be joyful, there seems to be a sort of pattern going on with me and new experiences. It seems like the more I am exposed to the less I know what I am as a person. I realize that that is completely up to my own making but I'm not really sure at all what to do with the reins that have been handed to me. Life may be a sandbox, but it's full of quicksand when you don't have the sort of self-assured attitude to tell you that you know what you're actually doing, where you're going in life, etc.
I'm really sick of being down. At this point I have absolutely no reason to be and the only thing I can attribute my ongoing depression to is "wiring loose inside my head" which is what most people will concede for the sole purpose of getting access to medication. Well, they're right. If I'm given all these opportunities to enjoy myself and I worry about whether enjoying myself is even the best option, then I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck it all, because I'm going to pull a junior year and overextend myself. If I didn't feel good about sacrificing all of my free time during those times, I felt welcomed at the very least, and came out of it with some pretty strong ties that lasted a while at least. After I was done with it all - both insanely hard high school classes and a 24/7 commitment to music - I felt better than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I felt connected. Supported. Precisely at the beginning of the posts that are still available to read here. If I fuck up, that's okay. I keep telling myself that I don't have much of an ego so that I don't let it get damaged, but the truth is that I need some fucking self-respect to get anywhere in life and if I sacrifice that at the expense of disappointment then there is no point in living. So no more self-pity. I guess that I'm learning to succeed in that regard.
The original intent of this post was to describe some of the activities I've done since getting on campus but not being around people that I can talk to about anything has made me pretty introspective which as you can see is not often good. But the whole thing about ego was motivated by something that is only semi-related. The first tale of college begins in the Union on an otherwise mundane Wednesday. (See what I did there?) I was auditioning for this percussion ensemble called "Groove" which is basically alternative, high energy drumming on uncommon and unconventional instruments in the same niche as the incredible "Stomp" show. Spoiler alert! I didn't make the cut. But I think I just barely missed it, in a rare streak of optimism. Anyway, the thing lasted three hours (it was the second of two mass group auditions of about thirty people each) and consisted of three parts: a drumming audition (nailed it), a stomping audition (did not nail it, this is probably what killed me), and a special talent audition (I read poetry. I got one of the best crowd responses, which felt good.)
That's pretty much the shortest version of the story possible. But the thing is that when I found out I did not make the cut, I felt surprisingly bad. Like I was worried at first that it was because I was being a sore loser, and there have been a small case of that going on. Basically, I was worried that I was upset by the fact that not making the cut reflected poorly on my skills as a percussionist (even though they didn't - stomping just isn't part of my "move set" I guess). But then I realized that, at that point in time, the three hours I spent auditioning were the best three hours I spent on campus. This was the closest thing to companionship I've had, and if you have read any other post here, you can probably guess that that's one of the most critical contributors to my general happiness. There was one point where the entire audition just devolved into a giant circle of people making beats with their feet and their hands while we circulated in and out dancing, yelling, stomping, clapping, and generally going wild. That is the sort of family I wanted out of drum corps (and the one that I got out of marching band, thankfully, and I have become so very appreciative of the time I spent in band since moving to Ann Arbor). And so the feeling that I got upon finding out that I did not make it was not actually feeling sorry for myself, it was jealousy. Being at the audition made me realize that I wanted to spend my time on campus with all those people. It's sort of like getting turned down for a job that you want because you'd actually be happy doing it, not for the usual superficial monetary reasons. I'm over it though. If I didn't make it (and I realize this is cocky) then it's not as if very many others from the group made it in. I guess it was just more of a one-time gathering of people who are incredibly cool.
I might as well go over the special talent section of the audition, because it featured some of the most ridiculous acts you've ever seen in your life. There was a kid (named Tobias of all things) who was somehow insanely good with a yo-yo, a guy who turned off the lights and pretended to be the guy from relaxation tapes while we all had our eyes closed, and in the meantime kept inserting weird Batman references into the thing before starting to scream and then we realized that he had changed into a Batman costume and it was the coolest thing ever, freestyle rapping, a duet cover of "Fuck You" by Cee-Lo Green played on a ukulele, a grad student who demonstrated her ability to B.S. by presenting some other student's powerpoint presentation on nuclear energy without any knowledge of the subject or ever having previously seen the slides, and this is a really long sentence, and stand-up comedy, and a Flight of the Conchords cover, and Bhangra dancing, and stupid human body tricks, and original songs, and way too many other things.
The next notable activity involved an impromptu swarming of my room by some kids in the hall who wanted to play frisbee. I joined just for a few minutes, and we went down to the North Campus Diag because Bursley was too much on a hill. Then after about ten minutes we were asked by three other students if we wanted to go play ultimate frisbee in the reflecting pool. I didn't know there was a reflecting pool at Michigan. This is it:
So we got wet. We played well into the dark when the frisbee became completely impossible to see. At that point though it was too hard to play ultimate and so we started playing 500, which is much better suited for darkness since not being able to see makes the scramble much more frantic. This, ladies and gentlemen, was more fun than Groove. Good thing, too, because there was no snag to all the fun we had.
Classes are getting harder. Chemistry is the easiest by far because I already understand everything that is being taught while other kids are more confused than they've probably ever been in their lives. Again, this is me attempting to be cocky. Calculus is, as expected, quite difficult. I'm struggling to keep up with some of the stuff that goes on even in class, and it's all because I'm rusty. That gap year did not bode well for me as far as remembering how to integrate goes. So I'm not doing well. But I'm seeking help. Engineering is my favorite class right now, because the professor is quite well-spoken and makes sense of all the aspects of code that I could not wrap my head around in my sophomore year. Learning that certain parts of a code are not just formalities really helps one understand the process of creating and deconstructing algorithms in code much easier. A story about this class: I understand where the name "Trance music" gets its name. I turned it on in iTunes, switched over to Linux (yep, I'm one of those guys now) and started to code. An hour and a half later I finished my entire program in an out-of-character period of being incredibly focused on what I was doing (i.e. trance). And I managed to not pick up my phone when somebody called, nor respond to any of the IMs that were sent to me. Cool story, bro.
And in response to what I mentioned at the beginning of this post about having no idea what I'm doing or if I have any sort of direction in what random activities I select in college, I've joined the College of Engineering's literary magazine (which is all about the fact that its an unusual combination of disciplines). I mostly joined it because it's called "Blueprint" which is the best name ever. Also, I'm attempting to get involved with the Michigan Electronic Dance Music Association (MEDMA). They are one of the most prominent student organizations on campus, and as a result they are often the ones responsible for the music at the larger frat parties and most campus events. Sometimes they make limo trips to Detroit to spin at nightclubs too. The wristband that you get from being a due paid member gets you into any frat party being DJ'd by MEDMA, front of the line, no questions asked. Which is one of the bigger perks. Also you can get free DJing lessons, which is cool. My friend who shall be known as Mario Kart Kid brought up his incredibly cool program that he has used to make amazing teknobeetz with the intention of joining forces with me to create even more amazing teknobeetz and getting word out about it through MEDMA. Also, they host music swaps every so often (which is enough reason to join, if you ask me). I've also been presented with the option of joining NorthCoast Academy Percussion Ensemble... more on that later.
I'm really sick of being down. At this point I have absolutely no reason to be and the only thing I can attribute my ongoing depression to is "wiring loose inside my head" which is what most people will concede for the sole purpose of getting access to medication. Well, they're right. If I'm given all these opportunities to enjoy myself and I worry about whether enjoying myself is even the best option, then I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck it all, because I'm going to pull a junior year and overextend myself. If I didn't feel good about sacrificing all of my free time during those times, I felt welcomed at the very least, and came out of it with some pretty strong ties that lasted a while at least. After I was done with it all - both insanely hard high school classes and a 24/7 commitment to music - I felt better than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I felt connected. Supported. Precisely at the beginning of the posts that are still available to read here. If I fuck up, that's okay. I keep telling myself that I don't have much of an ego so that I don't let it get damaged, but the truth is that I need some fucking self-respect to get anywhere in life and if I sacrifice that at the expense of disappointment then there is no point in living. So no more self-pity. I guess that I'm learning to succeed in that regard.
The original intent of this post was to describe some of the activities I've done since getting on campus but not being around people that I can talk to about anything has made me pretty introspective which as you can see is not often good. But the whole thing about ego was motivated by something that is only semi-related. The first tale of college begins in the Union on an otherwise mundane Wednesday. (See what I did there?) I was auditioning for this percussion ensemble called "Groove" which is basically alternative, high energy drumming on uncommon and unconventional instruments in the same niche as the incredible "Stomp" show. Spoiler alert! I didn't make the cut. But I think I just barely missed it, in a rare streak of optimism. Anyway, the thing lasted three hours (it was the second of two mass group auditions of about thirty people each) and consisted of three parts: a drumming audition (nailed it), a stomping audition (did not nail it, this is probably what killed me), and a special talent audition (I read poetry. I got one of the best crowd responses, which felt good.)
That's pretty much the shortest version of the story possible. But the thing is that when I found out I did not make the cut, I felt surprisingly bad. Like I was worried at first that it was because I was being a sore loser, and there have been a small case of that going on. Basically, I was worried that I was upset by the fact that not making the cut reflected poorly on my skills as a percussionist (even though they didn't - stomping just isn't part of my "move set" I guess). But then I realized that, at that point in time, the three hours I spent auditioning were the best three hours I spent on campus. This was the closest thing to companionship I've had, and if you have read any other post here, you can probably guess that that's one of the most critical contributors to my general happiness. There was one point where the entire audition just devolved into a giant circle of people making beats with their feet and their hands while we circulated in and out dancing, yelling, stomping, clapping, and generally going wild. That is the sort of family I wanted out of drum corps (and the one that I got out of marching band, thankfully, and I have become so very appreciative of the time I spent in band since moving to Ann Arbor). And so the feeling that I got upon finding out that I did not make it was not actually feeling sorry for myself, it was jealousy. Being at the audition made me realize that I wanted to spend my time on campus with all those people. It's sort of like getting turned down for a job that you want because you'd actually be happy doing it, not for the usual superficial monetary reasons. I'm over it though. If I didn't make it (and I realize this is cocky) then it's not as if very many others from the group made it in. I guess it was just more of a one-time gathering of people who are incredibly cool.
I might as well go over the special talent section of the audition, because it featured some of the most ridiculous acts you've ever seen in your life. There was a kid (named Tobias of all things) who was somehow insanely good with a yo-yo, a guy who turned off the lights and pretended to be the guy from relaxation tapes while we all had our eyes closed, and in the meantime kept inserting weird Batman references into the thing before starting to scream and then we realized that he had changed into a Batman costume and it was the coolest thing ever, freestyle rapping, a duet cover of "Fuck You" by Cee-Lo Green played on a ukulele, a grad student who demonstrated her ability to B.S. by presenting some other student's powerpoint presentation on nuclear energy without any knowledge of the subject or ever having previously seen the slides, and this is a really long sentence, and stand-up comedy, and a Flight of the Conchords cover, and Bhangra dancing, and stupid human body tricks, and original songs, and way too many other things.
The next notable activity involved an impromptu swarming of my room by some kids in the hall who wanted to play frisbee. I joined just for a few minutes, and we went down to the North Campus Diag because Bursley was too much on a hill. Then after about ten minutes we were asked by three other students if we wanted to go play ultimate frisbee in the reflecting pool. I didn't know there was a reflecting pool at Michigan. This is it:
So we got wet. We played well into the dark when the frisbee became completely impossible to see. At that point though it was too hard to play ultimate and so we started playing 500, which is much better suited for darkness since not being able to see makes the scramble much more frantic. This, ladies and gentlemen, was more fun than Groove. Good thing, too, because there was no snag to all the fun we had.
Classes are getting harder. Chemistry is the easiest by far because I already understand everything that is being taught while other kids are more confused than they've probably ever been in their lives. Again, this is me attempting to be cocky. Calculus is, as expected, quite difficult. I'm struggling to keep up with some of the stuff that goes on even in class, and it's all because I'm rusty. That gap year did not bode well for me as far as remembering how to integrate goes. So I'm not doing well. But I'm seeking help. Engineering is my favorite class right now, because the professor is quite well-spoken and makes sense of all the aspects of code that I could not wrap my head around in my sophomore year. Learning that certain parts of a code are not just formalities really helps one understand the process of creating and deconstructing algorithms in code much easier. A story about this class: I understand where the name "Trance music" gets its name. I turned it on in iTunes, switched over to Linux (yep, I'm one of those guys now) and started to code. An hour and a half later I finished my entire program in an out-of-character period of being incredibly focused on what I was doing (i.e. trance). And I managed to not pick up my phone when somebody called, nor respond to any of the IMs that were sent to me. Cool story, bro.
And in response to what I mentioned at the beginning of this post about having no idea what I'm doing or if I have any sort of direction in what random activities I select in college, I've joined the College of Engineering's literary magazine (which is all about the fact that its an unusual combination of disciplines). I mostly joined it because it's called "Blueprint" which is the best name ever. Also, I'm attempting to get involved with the Michigan Electronic Dance Music Association (MEDMA). They are one of the most prominent student organizations on campus, and as a result they are often the ones responsible for the music at the larger frat parties and most campus events. Sometimes they make limo trips to Detroit to spin at nightclubs too. The wristband that you get from being a due paid member gets you into any frat party being DJ'd by MEDMA, front of the line, no questions asked. Which is one of the bigger perks. Also you can get free DJing lessons, which is cool. My friend who shall be known as Mario Kart Kid brought up his incredibly cool program that he has used to make amazing teknobeetz with the intention of joining forces with me to create even more amazing teknobeetz and getting word out about it through MEDMA. Also, they host music swaps every so often (which is enough reason to join, if you ask me). I've also been presented with the option of joining NorthCoast Academy Percussion Ensemble... more on that later.
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