I'm really sick of being down. At this point I have absolutely no reason to be and the only thing I can attribute my ongoing depression to is "wiring loose inside my head" which is what most people will concede for the sole purpose of getting access to medication. Well, they're right. If I'm given all these opportunities to enjoy myself and I worry about whether enjoying myself is even the best option, then I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck it all, because I'm going to pull a junior year and overextend myself. If I didn't feel good about sacrificing all of my free time during those times, I felt welcomed at the very least, and came out of it with some pretty strong ties that lasted a while at least. After I was done with it all - both insanely hard high school classes and a 24/7 commitment to music - I felt better than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I felt connected. Supported. Precisely at the beginning of the posts that are still available to read here. If I fuck up, that's okay. I keep telling myself that I don't have much of an ego so that I don't let it get damaged, but the truth is that I need some fucking self-respect to get anywhere in life and if I sacrifice that at the expense of disappointment then there is no point in living. So no more self-pity. I guess that I'm learning to succeed in that regard.
The original intent of this post was to describe some of the activities I've done since getting on campus but not being around people that I can talk to about anything has made me pretty introspective which as you can see is not often good. But the whole thing about ego was motivated by something that is only semi-related. The first tale of college begins in the Union on an otherwise mundane Wednesday. (See what I did there?) I was auditioning for this percussion ensemble called "Groove" which is basically alternative, high energy drumming on uncommon and unconventional instruments in the same niche as the incredible "Stomp" show. Spoiler alert! I didn't make the cut. But I think I just barely missed it, in a rare streak of optimism. Anyway, the thing lasted three hours (it was the second of two mass group auditions of about thirty people each) and consisted of three parts: a drumming audition (nailed it), a stomping audition (did not nail it, this is probably what killed me), and a special talent audition (I read poetry. I got one of the best crowd responses, which felt good.)
That's pretty much the shortest version of the story possible. But the thing is that when I found out I did not make the cut, I felt surprisingly bad. Like I was worried at first that it was because I was being a sore loser, and there have been a small case of that going on. Basically, I was worried that I was upset by the fact that not making the cut reflected poorly on my skills as a percussionist (even though they didn't - stomping just isn't part of my "move set" I guess). But then I realized that, at that point in time, the three hours I spent auditioning were the best three hours I spent on campus. This was the closest thing to companionship I've had, and if you have read any other post here, you can probably guess that that's one of the most critical contributors to my general happiness. There was one point where the entire audition just devolved into a giant circle of people making beats with their feet and their hands while we circulated in and out dancing, yelling, stomping, clapping, and generally going wild. That is the sort of family I wanted out of drum corps (and the one that I got out of marching band, thankfully, and I have become so very appreciative of the time I spent in band since moving to Ann Arbor). And so the feeling that I got upon finding out that I did not make it was not actually feeling sorry for myself, it was jealousy. Being at the audition made me realize that I wanted to spend my time on campus with all those people. It's sort of like getting turned down for a job that you want because you'd actually be happy doing it, not for the usual superficial monetary reasons. I'm over it though. If I didn't make it (and I realize this is cocky) then it's not as if very many others from the group made it in. I guess it was just more of a one-time gathering of people who are incredibly cool.
I might as well go over the special talent section of the audition, because it featured some of the most ridiculous acts you've ever seen in your life. There was a kid (named Tobias of all things) who was somehow insanely good with a yo-yo, a guy who turned off the lights and pretended to be the guy from relaxation tapes while we all had our eyes closed, and in the meantime kept inserting weird Batman references into the thing before starting to scream and then we realized that he had changed into a Batman costume and it was the coolest thing ever, freestyle rapping, a duet cover of "Fuck You" by Cee-Lo Green played on a ukulele, a grad student who demonstrated her ability to B.S. by presenting some other student's powerpoint presentation on nuclear energy without any knowledge of the subject or ever having previously seen the slides, and this is a really long sentence, and stand-up comedy, and a Flight of the Conchords cover, and Bhangra dancing, and stupid human body tricks, and original songs, and way too many other things.
The next notable activity involved an impromptu swarming of my room by some kids in the hall who wanted to play frisbee. I joined just for a few minutes, and we went down to the North Campus Diag because Bursley was too much on a hill. Then after about ten minutes we were asked by three other students if we wanted to go play ultimate frisbee in the reflecting pool. I didn't know there was a reflecting pool at Michigan. This is it:
So we got wet. We played well into the dark when the frisbee became completely impossible to see. At that point though it was too hard to play ultimate and so we started playing 500, which is much better suited for darkness since not being able to see makes the scramble much more frantic. This, ladies and gentlemen, was more fun than Groove. Good thing, too, because there was no snag to all the fun we had.
Classes are getting harder. Chemistry is the easiest by far because I already understand everything that is being taught while other kids are more confused than they've probably ever been in their lives. Again, this is me attempting to be cocky. Calculus is, as expected, quite difficult. I'm struggling to keep up with some of the stuff that goes on even in class, and it's all because I'm rusty. That gap year did not bode well for me as far as remembering how to integrate goes. So I'm not doing well. But I'm seeking help. Engineering is my favorite class right now, because the professor is quite well-spoken and makes sense of all the aspects of code that I could not wrap my head around in my sophomore year. Learning that certain parts of a code are not just formalities really helps one understand the process of creating and deconstructing algorithms in code much easier. A story about this class: I understand where the name "Trance music" gets its name. I turned it on in iTunes, switched over to Linux (yep, I'm one of those guys now) and started to code. An hour and a half later I finished my entire program in an out-of-character period of being incredibly focused on what I was doing (i.e. trance). And I managed to not pick up my phone when somebody called, nor respond to any of the IMs that were sent to me. Cool story, bro.
And in response to what I mentioned at the beginning of this post about having no idea what I'm doing or if I have any sort of direction in what random activities I select in college, I've joined the College of Engineering's literary magazine (which is all about the fact that its an unusual combination of disciplines). I mostly joined it because it's called "Blueprint" which is the best name ever. Also, I'm attempting to get involved with the Michigan Electronic Dance Music Association (MEDMA). They are one of the most prominent student organizations on campus, and as a result they are often the ones responsible for the music at the larger frat parties and most campus events. Sometimes they make limo trips to Detroit to spin at nightclubs too. The wristband that you get from being a due paid member gets you into any frat party being DJ'd by MEDMA, front of the line, no questions asked. Which is one of the bigger perks. Also you can get free DJing lessons, which is cool. My friend who shall be known as Mario Kart Kid brought up his incredibly cool program that he has used to make amazing teknobeetz with the intention of joining forces with me to create even more amazing teknobeetz and getting word out about it through MEDMA. Also, they host music swaps every so often (which is enough reason to join, if you ask me). I've also been presented with the option of joining NorthCoast Academy Percussion Ensemble... more on that later.
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